I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
