Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
