how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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