He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
