He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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