i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
