my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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