eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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