Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
