Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
