when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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