Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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