the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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