i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
