Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
