If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
