I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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