I just pynch a tree in the face
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
