I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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