I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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