What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
