I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
