He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
