I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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