I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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