John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
