I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
