***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
