i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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