This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
