Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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