; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
