He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
