I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
