If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
