dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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