his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
