My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is Oprah even human
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize