i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
