She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
