Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
