i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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