i wish my penis had a tongue
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You ruined the universe
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
