She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize