if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
