He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
