Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
