if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
