Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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