i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
