"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
