atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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