So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
