you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
