I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
