I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
