if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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