I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize