just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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